To the Early Returned Missionary

I don't think that ever in a million years I would have thought that I would be here. If you had asked me at the beginning of this year where I would be now, I would have answered (quite enthusiastically), somewhere in Brazil. I never thought I would come home early, unless there was a freak accident and I got hurt physically. But here I am, not hurt physically, but gloriously burdened with other trials. Trials no one can see.

After talking to a counselor once I arrived home, I was told I had, in addition to anxiety, obsessive compulsive symptoms. Meaning, in times of extreme stress, I get OCD. I won't go into all the details but just know it is more than crooked objects or a different colored apple in a bunch. I knew about the anxiety- heck the anxiety attacks was went sent me home. But I have something that has been in an obscure sense, been controlling my life. I felt like the reality of when I realized I was coming home had hit me again. I had been given 24 hours notice that I was leaving and it hadn't hit me until I was sitting in the São Paulo airport that I was leaving. It felt like an onibus had backed up and ran me over.

While attempting to study and find peace in overcoming the current and most obvious trial, I found scriptures I had read and marked when I was coming home. In Matthew 20, Christ tells of the parable of the laborers in the vineyard (Matthew 20:1-16). To sum it up, the householder sends out laborers in the vineyard, each delayed a little in timing. At the end of the day, each laborer is paid the same amount. The ones who had been working longer complained. Who were these people who only worked an hour that they get the same amount of money as I do and I've been working 12 hours? Let me attempt to relate this to missionaries.

Two missionaries are called on a mission (the same mission). They leave the same day and go to the MTC and study hard. They teach lessons and suddenly are on a plane going to the field. Both work equally hard, to the best of their abilities. However, one comes home after 6 months of being out. The other missionary stays out the whole time. When the second missionary comes home, he/she is welcomed with love and bouquets of flowers (and maybe even a significant other at the airport). The second missionary finds out that the first missionary was received the same way, even though they came home early. The second missionary is ticked. The first missionary didn't even serve the whole time or work as hard. In some situations, the second missionary stews for quite some time about this. The first missionary seems to be happy, in fact they got accepted to a good college and got engaged. How dare they be happy when they didn't serve the Lord the entire time! The first missionary is so upset, that it is hard for them to move on.

I know the example was quite extreme, but how often do we find ourselves judging when someone comes home early? I'll admit I have. I tried hard to be sympathetic and kind but there were always a few thoughts I never told anyone. But now as the early returned missionary, I am grateful for those who are kind and nonjudgemental. Those who realized I gave it my all and the Lord gave me other plans. I thought I was normal (normal being a relative term here). I never would have thought that I would have mental health problems. Sometimes I feel guilty smiley and being happy, when I know I should have been out in the field clapping at doors and teaching in Portuguese. This parable ends with some advice for both the early returned and the others who watch.

Verses 13-16 (italicized added): 
"13: But he answered one of them, and said, Friend, I do thee no wrong: didst not thou agree with me for a penny?
 14: Take that thine is, and go thy way: I will give unto this last, even as unto thee.

 15: Is it not lawful for me to do what I will with mine own? Is thine eye evil, because I am good?

 16: So the last shall be first, and the first last: for many be called, but few chosen."

Think how awesome it is. We all received calls. We all agreed to dedicated our lives to the Lord. We accepted our missions in the language assigned and went to the MTC. We might have even made it to the field. We contributed! I love the quote from Elder Holland, "There is one convert promised on your mission: you!" I know I have been changed spiritually from my mission. I am not the same 19 year old who entered the MTC doors. I have so much faith and in trust in the Lord and in His plan for me that I accepted the decision to come home. 

Regardless of whether you came home for mental health, physical health, or because of a prompting, I guarantee that you made a difference, at least in your own life. Enjoy the time you had on your mission. Don't be afraid to say you are a returned missionary. You were released honorably and that is what matters. Don't hesitate to talk about your mission or share "when I was on my mission" stories. In the Lord's eyes, you are wonderful. You contributed and you served Him. But now He needs you somewhere else perhaps doing something else. Time frames for missions are a general guideline for this earthly existence (think of how many missionaries would never come home if they had the choice?). The Lord works on a different time frame and He works differently in everyone's lives. If you ever feel negative about your mission, realize that is Satan. From your service, you have changed the world. Your world. 

Don't hesitant to continue your spiritual growth. Don't let this experience hinder your faith. Study the scriptures daily and prayer earnestly. I'm so grateful for my Savior and His Atonement. The Atonement is not just for sins, it's for our negative feelings and weaknesses. Let the Savior carry you through your trials. We know we can't make it through this world alone, so why not have The One who overcame the world help? He is only a prayer away. I know my Savior lives and He loves us. I know Heavenly Father is proud of whatever service we can give and that He will continue to love us no matter what we do in our life. "As long as we are on the right path, it will always lead uphill." -President Erying. 

Love,

Janae

#HisDay

Sunday. The one day of the week where it seems the world is still. With the anticipation for the upcoming week and the longing for the Fridays and Saturdays past, it seems that Sunday often gets overlooked.  Sunday is the day that Christ rose from the grave and showed Himself to His disciples. It is also the day of the week where we get to take of the sacrament.

A few weeks ago, my fiancé and I were driving back from Utah on a Sunday. We went to sacrament meeting with my sister before starting our journey back to Idaho. We took a detour and stopped by the Twin Falls Idaho Temple and Shoshone Falls. Marveling at the beauty, I realized everything is more beautiful on the Sabbath. All of God's creations, temples, the blessings of the gospel are so much more beautiful and hopeful than any other time.

His Day is about seeing the good in the world. It's about loving others and loving the gospel. It's about the Atonement and the sacrifice Christ made for us. His day is about taking time out of life to worship Him and give Him thanks for everything we have. His day is about Him. Everything in life that is good, points to Him.

Life is so good. In fact, it can be wonderful. We are what we are all because of Him and we can become better versions of ourselves because of His atoning sacrifice. I know I don't like who I was in the past and I'm trying to change myself for a better tomorrow everyday. You can't change your past, but you can change your future.

In the last General Conference, Elder Gong of the Presidency of the Seventy gave a talk titled, "Always Remember Him." In this talk he shares six ways to always remember Him:

1. We can always remember Him by having confidence in His covenants, promises, and assurances.
2. We can always remember Him by gratefully acknowledging His hand throughout our lives.
3. We can always remember Him by trusting when the Lord assures us, "he who has repented of His sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more."
4. He invites us to remember that He is always welcoming us home.
5. We can always remember Him on the Sabbath through the sacrament.
6. Our Savior invites us to always remember Him as He always remembers us.

In reality, His day should be everyday. Sundays are a time to go and worship Him fully. To give Him all of our attention. As I take the sacrament and fast, I remember how He shed blood personally for me. That I am not forgotten or useless. That I am loved just as much as you are by Him. He loves you. He's cheering you on. With Him, you can handle everything life throws are you.

-Janae

Enduring & Improvement

I finally felt inspired enough to right a blog post about something beneficial to all of y’all for once. As I continue to work on my mission papers and start to study PMG (Preach My Gospel), I’ve noticed that I would feel more insignificant after studying rather than enlightened. I looked to where my doubt came from: we’re asked to improve on so many things, I felt like I couldn’t do it all! Sometimes we feel small when we’re thinking about the moment. If we step back and look at the bigger picture, you can notice that we have our whole lives and all of the next life to improve! We don’t have to be perfect by the time we’re 20, 30, or 80. To me, this is such a relief. However, just because we have all this time to improve does not mean we can slack off and leave everything to the last minute. Much like repentance, we need to be improving everyday (actually repentance helps with the whole improving part). So how is it done? Well I’m not perfect, but I can explain how I personally attack this challenging task.

First, I pick a small area that needs improvement. I like to see myself from outside my little sphere and decide what’s lacking (besides everything). You can’t be too hard on yourself. This is where Satan will sneak in and try to get you to just point out your flaws. So after you find your weaker spot you want to work on, go eat some ice cream and hug a puppy. ;)

After you got your area, go research it! I personally love True to the Faith, PMG, Bible Dictionary, Conference talks, etc. There are plenty of resources out there, so no giving up! The fast track to this step is to go to lds.org and search your topic. Poof everything you could ever want about that is suddenly there! It’s the little joys about living in this century that really can make all the difference.

Once I know what I should be doing instead of what I have been doing, I like to start changing little aspects. For example, if I’m working on Christlike kindness, I start correcting the unkind thoughts that can sneak into my head about someone. Once you start seeing everyone as God’s children, it really changes your outlook on life. When I reach a point where I feel happy with how I’ve changed, I move onto something else.

A little side note, perfection is not the end goal of this life. If it was, well we all failed already. We must endure to the end, which includes progressing. Without progressing, we would be stuck in a constant state. Like the sweet promise in 3 Nephi 15:9 says,

“Behold, I am the law, and the light. Look unto me, and endure to the end, and ye shall live; for unto him that endureth to the end will I give eternal life.”

How amazing is that? I personally know that as we endure and progress, we will be blessed for our efforts, no matter how great or small.

Love,

Janae

Mormon 9:22

I wanted to start off with a blog post with a scripture that will sum up my post (although if you follow me on anywhere, you'll already know. I'm just gonna elaborate so feel free to skim to the end).

Mormon 9:22
   For behold, thus said Jesus Christ, the Son of God, unto his disciples who should tarry, yea, and also to all his disciples, in the hearing of the multitude: Go ye into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature;

I saw this scripture on an ornament that was for missionaries. Surprise I started my papers. Lots have happened during this semester. I've figured out I do need to serve a mission, I have great friends who are practically family to me, and I have a great boyfriend who is supportive of me serving (and he just got back from his mission to Ghana).

The realization of wether or not to serve can come easily or hard. It honestly depends on the person. I got my answer and then got blinded by the world and life and then I had a realization (or a slap to the head from one of my best friends) that I needed to go. Some answers come like a freight train, barreling at you at 60 miles per hour. Others may come like a turtle walking through peanut butter. God may let you choose which way you go. Either way, read your scriptures, say your prayers, go to the temple, read your patriarchal blessing. Figure out the answer by being worthy to received revelation concerning it.

After you get your answer, then comes Satan. Or sometimes he comes before. Satan is a sneaky booger. He'll get you before, during, and after. The week before I started my papers I was a huge brat. I'm extra thankful for having forgiving friends and people who will push back against my stubbornness.  Finally after an awful week, I realized it was Satan making me feel worse and then in turn, act worse. The main point is not to give up. Don't give up or give in. Keep fighting back. If you're supposed to serve, you must make it your goal to serve.

Getting to the point of starting your papers can be half the battle. Surround yourself with a good support system so you can feel confident about whatever you are doing in life, mission or not. Do the  things you're supposed to be doing and you'll get the blessings and help from heaven.

Also side note, I met Al Carraway on Tuesday and I adore her. I can't wait to read her book (and post a review if anyone is interested). (Picture from left to right: Me and Al Carraway, me and Emma (bestie) and Me and Courtney (bestie who hits me with common sense)). I hope you all have a safe and happy holiday season.

Love,
Janae

When Times Get Tough

So long time no blog eh? Yeah college is so busy, but I love it! It's so amazing up here. I definitely feel the Spirit more. Since being up here, I have had my fair share of trials. There have been numerous times where I feel like giving up. During one of those instances, I went onto Twitter and someone had tweeted a scripture reference (I honestly don't remember who, so sorry no shoutout today).

D&C 61:36-
And now, verily I say unto you, and what I say unto one I say unto all, be of good cheer, little children; for I am in your midst, and I have not forsaken you; 


I love this scripture so much! I read it and had a realization that I wasn't alone! I wasn't going through this hard time by myself. I did have someone who knew everything and could help me. I was loved! Sometimes other people on earth just don't cut it- don't get me wrong, I love my little friend group that I've made while being here. Sometimes you need a talk with the Man upstairs and then you feel everything fall into place. 

Have a little faith, say a prayer, and go forth with a smile on your face and a grateful heart. Focus on one thing at a time. Deep breaths and remember that God has a plan for you and it will all work out. Eat a cookie and read your scriptures. Life is meant to be enjoyed, not just endured. 

Love,
Janae

Surviving College Move In Weekend

This past weekend I moved into college! Honestly, it was stressful and emotional. I am a very self conscious person so moving into a place where I knew no one and I had never lived was hard. The night before I moved in and the next two, I had my breakdowns. I'm just thankful that my roommate didn't move in until today.

In high school, everyone had somebody. Whether it was a friend or a significant other, people were always walking and talking to at least one person. Yeah I had my friends in high school, but honestly I was somewhat of a loner. So coming to college and seeing it magnified by 20 made it hard. I felt pretty lonely the first couple days, but I found out, that's okay and you're not the only one to feel alone.

One thing I love about BYUI is that you'll see people walking around all the time by themselves. That's normal! Coming from a cliquey high school, I assumed you always had to walk with someone. Yeah, it's nice and convenient if you do happen to have a friend that you can walk with, but if not, don't sweat it. No one is staring at you. No one is analyzing how you walk or where you're going. They're too busy trying to figure out their own situation to worry about yours.

Along the same lines as previously mentioned, talk to people. I was walking back to my apartment after the broadcast tonight, alone. There was a huge group walking because we were all going to the same area. so I kinda blended myself in. A girl next to me smiled and introduced herself and we got talking. She was so sweet. We then parted ways, because she lives somewhere else, but it proved to me that people aren't going to bite your head off if you try to talk to them.

I got really blessed with amazing roommates. They're all so nice and calm. I don't feel like we'll have a lot of drama. Even if you are worried about roommates, relax, take deep breaths, and realize they are normal people too. My roommate is so chill. She doesn't really care if the door is open or shut or the blinds open or closed. If you do get stuck with a roommate that may be not your ideal, pray that you'll be able to get along with her. Ask to see her through Christ's eyes, rather than your own. Be friendly, be kind, be considerate. Work out disagreements that arise calmly and peacefully. If your roommate wants to be childish and yell and scream, be the bigger person.

Last little subtopic I wanna mention, is overcoming homesickness and loneliness. I struggled for two days with this. It actually wasn't until today that I finally felt genuinely happy about being here. I was such a momma's girl and so leaving her was hard. Although I was more worried about her being okay than me. This is where I bring in the Atonement. Christ felt everything you have and will ever feel. He felt my loneliness and that bitter feeling of almost bursting into tears. I prayed long and hard that He will help me and take them from me. Once I did that, I looked for the positive. My roommates don't hate me, I managed to watch a movie with some friends across the hall, church was amazing, and so on and so forth. Whenever you have a hard time, just remember to go to your Savior. 

So here's a summary for you:
1. It's normal to walk around by yourself. You don't have to have a friend with you 24/7.
2. Smile and talk to people. Be friendly. Many others are in the same situations as you are and are going through the same feelings.
3. Learn to have Christ be your best friend. He knows everything. He has felt everything. Lean on Him. Give Him your problems and then focus on the good.

Move in weekend is stressful and crazy. Take it one day at a time and everything will be alright. Also wish me luck because I start classes this week.

Love,
Janae

This is the Christ

(Song suggestions to listen to while reading: I Believe in Christ, This is the Christ, & Praise to the Man by Mormon Tabernacle Choir)

I wasn't planning on blogging about this, but I felt inspired to. I was reading in 3 Nephi 11 when Christ descends unto the people in the Americas. This chapter makes me bawl every time. There's a special spirit that comes down whenever I read, "Behold my Beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased, in whom I have glorified my name-hear ye him."

In all honesty, I envy the Nephites and the Jews that got to see Christ and His miracles. But I do envy the Nephites more, simply because of their faith. Christ's birth, death, and resurrection had been prophesied by prophets for hundreds of years prior. So to have faith that an event will happen long after you're dead, is unshakable to me.

Then there's the faith of the Nephites that live during Christ's life time. I don't know what the average age of a Nephite was, but I'm going to assume it was at least 70-90 years as average humans now. So those who saw the signs of His birth, saw the signs of His death as well. Now in the scriptures there were lots of nonbelievers who thought it was all merely coincidence, and there were lots of believers who began to believe those who didn't.

To those who continued to believe and as a result, were saved and got to see Christ's coming, their faith is faith I aspire to have. If you think about it, we're put into that same situation in a way. We know Christ came and died and was resurrected; there's history books that state of His birth and death (not the signs but that a figure named Jesus Christ did in fact live on earth). Now, we have modern day prophets that say that He will come again and the righteous will be saved. We have to believe that  that will happen. Whether it's in our life or not.

So to tie the scriptures back to modern day, we need to have Nephite faith. Nephite faith can be tied to pioneer faith. They had been taught what we are taught, but did they know if they would live to see Christ's second coming? Most figured they probably would not, yet they still endured their trials because they knew of the blessings. The blessings of living the gospel will come in this life and in the next, if we have Nephite and pioneer faith. 

Life is tough. Life is getting harder for Christians. "Doubt your doubts, before doubting your faith." Dare to stand alone. Dare to be a Mormon. This is the Christ and He is coming.


As a little heads up, I'm moving to college this week, so I'll try my best in getting blog posts scheduled ahead of time to post for you guys. Thanks for being such a great support. 😊
Love,
Janae

Beauty from Within

I have received quite a few comments about how my Instagram ins't full of selfies. Actually I'm positive my other posts outweigh the amount of selfies I have.  To test this, I went through and counted how many posts I had, that had myself in it. I got around 70 (I estimated since I might have missed some).

I am in no way saying that because someone posts a copious amount of selfies, that they are insecure. They may just happen to feel cute all the time. I was more shocked that the people who have said those comments to me, had a negative connotation. According to them, it's a bad thing to not have 200+ pictures of yourself. I take it as quite the opposite (and I consider my Instagram a picture blog of sorts of my life).

I know I am beautiful. I don't need likes, retweets, or comments to tell me that. I don't need other people's approval of me. I know I am talented and loved. I know I have wonderful gifts as a daughter of God. I know my friends like me for who I am, not what I look like or what I possess. I am much more concerned about developing my talents and personality than hoping other people think that my "eyebrows are on fleek" (what does that even mean?). I am more concerned that my Heavenly Father is happy with who I'm becoming than what I look like. To Him, I'm already beautiful. I am enough to Him. I understand this.

Have you gotten wrapped up in your outer appearance that you forgot that your personality is what really counts? Have you started to focus on your physical traits rather than your spiritual and personality traits? In a world where everything is skin deep, we have forgotten that looks don't matter. Looks fade over time, but a kind personality never grows old. A genuine smile will never go out of style.

I have noticed that since I have disappeared off of Twitter, that I'm much happier. I don't have to worry about comparison, competition, and being enough. I remember the eternal truths: I am enough. God doesn't make mistakes. If you're not happy with some aspect of yourself that is not physically, work to change it for better. Each day is a new start. I have a goal to go to bed each night having forgiven everyone who I have felt has wronged me in any way. It was hard to develop, but I am much happier and I sleep better at night because of it.

If you're living the gospel of Jesus Christ joyfully and striving to have Christlike attributes, you cannot fail. Don't shine so others can see you. Shine so through you, others can see Christ. I love you all so very much. Have a fabulous week my lovelies.

Love,
Janae

P.S. I may or may not have gone back to Twitter. Good luck finding me :)

Change of Plans

In the world today, you must have their whole life planned by the time you graduate high school. You must know what college you're going to attend, what you're majoring in, when you'll get married and where, how many kids you want and their pre-appointed birthdays, as well as when you'll retire and what color you want your beach house in the Caribbean to be. Sounds familiar right? It can be stressful thinking you have to have your whole life planned out before you're allowed to vote.

If you asked me a year ago where I would be in five years, I would have said that I would be an RM who was married to some wonderful guy that I met at BYUI while getting my degree in accounting. Now, if you ask me where I'll be in five years, I can honestly say I don't know. I have no clue. I don't think I'll be an RM. Maybe I'll be married? I probably will have a degree in something from somewhere.

I know that no matter where I am in five years, that as long as I'm doing what Heavenly Father wants for me, I'll be fine. He knows what's best for you! So if that means not going on a mission, then don't go. You gotta exercise your faith in the Man upstairs. He knows how everything will play out. I have gotten into the habit of asking Heavenly Father for His opinion on what I should do when it comes to life changing decisions. If I don't receive an answer, I go ahead in proceeding with what feels right. If it brings you closer to God, it cannot be bad.

Now there will be some decisions He'll leave up to you to make. Congrats He trusts you! I think it's both an honor and an annoyance. An honor because Heavenly Father trusts me to make a good decision and an annoyance because I always am afraid I'll make the wrong choice. You may feel how I'm feeling. You may yet to feel how I'm feeling. Either way, you have to have confidence in yourself. And if it's not right, Heavenly Father will always help you out.

"Be strong and of good courage; be not dismayed for the Lord thy God will help thee withersoever thou goest." Joshua 1:9

Love,

Janae

Life Update

For those who actually care about what's going on in my personal life, here's an overdue update. If you don't, I'll try to have another spiritual post up next week (spoiler alert: it might be about missions). Anyways, lets start back in May shall we?

So in May I graduated from High school and seminary. Fun times. I'm glad to be done but I will miss it. It certainly was an experience. I was so busy between work and graduation that I could barely breathe.

Then came June. Friends leaving on missions, missionary's birthdays, my own birthday took up the first three weeks. Then came a magnificent day. I got adopted! Yay! Finally 18 years later, I got myself a family.

 I also had the opportunity to be sealed to my parents in the Gilbert, Arizona temple. The spirit there was something like no other. I urge everyone to make it their goal to be temple worthy. After having been inside inside, I have the desire to go back and do anything to get there. Also I was so grateful that one of my sisters was able to come! She is such a sweetheart. :)

After that, I had a vacation to the Grand Canyon/Snowflake temple and then my wisdom teeth got removed. So naturally I didn't feel like doing anything. I could have blogged but I didn't. Although I have some good stuff saved in drafts right now. We'll see if it gets posted. Also feel free to comment below anything you want to see me write about!

Also I've decided to let you guys step into my personal lives. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter. If you dare that is. That's if you want more of me on a daily basis (warning: I can be a bit much to handle).  Anyways, I'll try to post end of this week or next weekend. Next week I'll be in San Diego with my best friend so hopefully I'll get around to posting on Friday or Saturday. I can't believe it's almost August! Where has the time gone?

-Janae

Blessings that Come from Living the Gospel

I've come to realize that as my life is more in harmony with the Gospel principles that I've become happier and I notice the blessings that come from it. I am in no way saying I'm perfect- I'm actually pretty far from it. But as I strive to keep the commandments, I see the blessings in my life.

I made it my goal to try and go to the temple weekly. So far I have, except for one week where my recommend was expired. That week was horrible! I found myself grumpy and being not really nice to anyone. It felt so good the next week when I was able to go to Snowflake temple. The Temple President came in and talked with my parents and I and I have never felt more blessed in my life!

So yesterday I got my wisdom teeth out. Such fun (insert sarcastic tone here). Tuesday however, I went to Mesa and did baptisms. I know I was blessed for going because my mouth doesn't hurt that much, I'm not swollen, and I can eat without much pain. Heavenly Father sure does spoil me.

As I've aligned my life to the gospel, which did include severing relationships, I am so much happier! It can be painful, but God's way is the right way. From here on out, I only plan on growing more in the gospel. I have a challenge for you! That's right, I'm getting crazy and switching things up. I want you to write down a list of what you can do to grow more in the gospel and pick one thing on that list and do it!

Love,
Janae

Heart to Heart

I need to be honest with you guys. This post will be messy, emotional, and downright truthful. I have been having one of those days where I just despise everything about myself. It was also one of those days where I hid in my room and cried for the majority of it. I want to change but I didn't know how. All of my friends support me, but then when I try to change they tease me for it. I know that they don't mean to hurt me, but I'm sensitive deep down. I hide it really well; almost too well, considering people think I'm mean.

So as I sat listening to hymns and bawling in my state of "why me," I realized I hadn't caught up on the blogs I read weekly. So I read my good friend, Ashley's, blog. Honestly, I bawled as I went through and read all of last year's and the year's before blogs. Every single one I needed. Her words gave me the strength to realize that I can change and to be okay with not knowing what the Lord wants me to do yet.

I'll be the first to admit that I have low self confidence. Many may not realize it, but I do. I am also really self conscious. I remember once upon a time, I was happy with who I was. Until a couple of my friends and Young Women leaders said some words that weren't kind, and suddenly I began to change, for worse. I didn't want to come off as a Molly Mormon or a know it all, so in church and seminary I would never answer. I wouldn't volunteer to do anything. I found if I hide, no one would make comments about me. I was afraid of failure, which may seem normal (and to some extent it is) but I wouldn't even think about trying new things, especially in front of people. I fell spiritually.

Church wasn't very helpful during this time, as I had Young Women leaders who weren't the greatest. Now I did have great leaders before and after them, but my Mia Maid years are years I like to forget. I would go home after mutual and sob my eyes out. I felt excluded. I felt hated. They weren't pretty years. I felt like church and mutual was prison more than paradise.

Thankfully, I had great Young Women leaders that got called after these years that helped picked up and fix some of what was destroyed by others and myself. I also got a job at a church bookstore which made me realize that it's okay to be knowledgable in the gospel. Now I enjoy reading gospel related books and learning. I still feel somewhat shunned for wanting to be a better member, but I am working on it.

That's my goal: become happy with myself. I want to get my individual worth back. And I hope that this post will inspire you to make a change in your life. We all have at least one thing that we aren't happy with that we can easily change, but don't. It could be because of fear, like mine. Or maybe lack of motivation. I know I also overthink way too much (just ask anyone). But do what will help you progress to be the better person that you want to be.

Now that I've bitten all my fingernails off out of stress and nerves while writing this, I hope you all strive to be a better person. Forget all of those who don't approve or like it. If your Heavenly Father approves, then do it. Don't let your peers or Satan stop you.

Love,
Janae

Don't Let Satan Get the Best of You

Lately, I've been feeling that Satan has been trying everything in his power to get me to be unhappy. I thought it was just because I was going to be sealed to my parents and then it would be over. I was sealed to them on Tuesday night, which was a happy day and occasion. However it is currently Friday morning, 12:07 to be exact, and I am still feeling miserable. How? I thought my trials would be over after I had gotten what Satan didn't want.

Unfortunately, our trials aren't over when a big event happens. In fact, our trials tend to blend one to another if we don't stop and step back and look at what it is going on in our lives from an eternal perspective. After I had a good cry, I realized this was what Satan wanted. So I decided to change my situation so Satan wouldn't get the best of me.

Music

Music can effect your mood and attitude, which thus effects your choices and actions. When I'm upset, I'll listen to hymns. I know how cliche can I be? I personally am the type of person who feels the Spirit most through music. The very first thing I do is turn on hymns. Sometimes it's instrumental so I can focus on the Spirit more. Other times it's Mormon Tabernacle Choir on full volume. As I listen to spiritual music, I feel Satan being pushed out of my spirit quite literally. I feel the yucky leave and be replaced with a peaceful, calm feeling.

Scripture Study

I find in times of conflict, I love reading about Christ's life. Whether I crack open 3rd Nephi or Matthew, I find the most comfort when I read Christ's direct teachings or about His life and sacrifice. Some days, I'll simply open to where I was reading last and dive in and read 5 chapters straight. I read until I feel the Spirit. Even after I feel the Spirit, I keep on reading. Some nights, I'll read until my eyes are burning and it's 3 am. I don't worry as much about when I should be going to bed or if I'm reading more chapters than my boyfriend or best friend. I just read. 

Conference Talks

If you're new here, you should learn one thing about me: I LOVE GENERAL CONFERENCE! For those of you seasoned readers, you know how much I love General Conference. I always make it a habit to have the latest conference edition Ensign downloaded on all my Gospel Library apps and that I have a physical copy on my nightstand. I am the type of girl who goes through a talk and highlights everything I like. Some talks end up being more yellow than white. If I'm going through something particularly hard, I'll research the topic and read past General Conference talks. The prophets always know what's up, even if it was from before I was born, they know. 

Prayer

I have a whole blog post on praying and it's power. I find when my mind is clouded and my heart is troubled, Heavenly Father is there to listen. I unload everything to Him. He knows my heart and my mind but He is anxious to hear from me, personally. He's waiting to hear from you. He can help you if you turn to Him. If you need peace, ask for it. I promise you will feel it in your life. 

Satan will attack you when you are spiritually weak and strong. When you are weak, he knows how to work into your thoughts and make you even weaker. But if you fight your battles on your knees and with the scriptures, you will win. The war against Satan is happening now. It's happening as you read this. You must decide if you want to arm yourself or be vulnerable. I know that he will lose, but will Satan win you over? I pray that he doesn't. I know this gospel to be true. I know that by doing the simplest of things, you can be spiritually protected and not let Satan get the best of you. 

Love,

Janae

Getting In Tune with the Spirit

I was scrolling through Pinterest trying to find inspiration for a blog post and I came across a great quote.

I absolutely love this! It then reminded me of my favorite conference talk from this past conference. "The Music of the Gospel" by Elder Wilford W. Andersen. Now this talk may be for parents and families but I decided to take it and apply it to the individual. For we all need the Holy Ghost! 

Elder Andersen first starts off with a story that I think we can all relate to. He tells of a doctor's encounter with a medicine man from the Navajo Nation. The medicine man ask him if he can dance to which the doctor said no. The man states he can teach him to dance, but he has to hear the music. How often is it that we are faced with someone, who asks us a gospel related question to which we cannot respond? Now there will always be things to learn, but we can change this situation to the medicine man asking, "Do you know the gospel?" That's a pretty deep and vague question all at the same time. We may respond that we do not know all of it, to which he would tell us "I can teach you, but you have to hear the Holy Ghost."

Oh how that changes the entire meaning! As Elder Andersen says, "The dance steps of the gospel are the things we do; the music of the gospel is the joyful spiritual feeling that comes from the Holy Ghost." We must practice the teachings of the gospel and then we will be able to hear the Holy Ghost.  We can't expect to have the Holy Ghost without living the principles of the gospel.

In order for us to teach the gospel, we have to "expand the curriculum beyond just the dance steps." The first step Elder Andersen says is that we have to live to be in tune with the Spirit. Makes sense. You can't be drunk and expect to hear the Holy Ghost. He does not shout rather He whispers quietly. 

The second step is to become an example to others. Once we know the dance steps, we must perform (Shay this reminds me of you). Living the gospel principles isn't something we just do at church or home. Christ wanted us "to be examples at all times, in all things, and in all places." I don't think Sunday Mormons was Christ's plan. 

Thirdly we must keep trying! Christ doesn't expect us to be perfect. I know that I am not perfect! We need to rely on the Atonement to help us to become better each day. Remember this is a gospel of multiple chances, not three strikes and you're out. Take each day as a challenge to do better than the last.

We must remember our trials are to make us stronger and help us come closer to Christ. If we live the principles of the gospel, we will be blessed and one of those blessings is the Holy Ghost. I know that I have be incredibly blessed by my Heavenly Father even when I do not deserve it. I try to live my life in a way that will be pleasing to Him and to be worthy of having the companionship of the Holy Ghost with me.

Love,

Janae 

Pornography

Yes I'm going to attempt to talk about this touchy subject. Why? Because there are way too many youth that I know that struggle with it. I'm not calling anyone out-it's not my place. But I will speak my own opinions about the subject. If you do struggle with this or any other sexual sin, please go speak with your bishop or branch president immediately. It's easier to receive help now, than put it off until right before something important like temple marriage or a mission.

First off, prophets and apostles warn about the dangers of it. That's a no duh. It's addicting, much like drugs or alcohol, it warps your brain. That's why it's so important to stay clear of everything that could even lead to it. Remember the venus fly trap looks like a normal harmless plant before it kills it's dinner. 

Secondly, I believe that since this is such a taboo topic no one takes the time to what pornography and sexual sins include. I have heard many stories from many of my friends that have stated that if someone had explained before hand that what they were doing was wrong, they wouldn't have gone there. The world will teach your kids what you don't (that goes for adults and teens). So many youth go to the internet to find answers to their questions, which is just like when the fly rests on a venus fly trap. They don't realize it but then it starts the downward spiral. Also having good communication between parent and child is key. Many of said friends above told me that if they could trust going to their parents with their questions, they would have. But they didn't. As taboo as it is, it needs to be discussed in the walls within your home.

I know most of my audience are teenagers, so to you I offer some advice. If you already have an addiction, go to your bishop. Just do it. It will be so worth it in the end. If you don't struggle with it but have a question, do go to your parents or leaders. They will give you answers that won't lead to a porn addiction. Of course the best advice I can give, is to stay away from all of that. But I know you go to movies and that you go to high school and there's filth everywhere. Even if you aren't friends with people who discuss it, you'll still hear it in the halls (mostly from obnoxious boys who are yelling). Curiosity killed the cat by leading it slowly to it's death. Ignore these the best you can.

Here's what the For the Strength of Youth says about all this fun stuff:

Do not allow the media, your peers, or others to persuade you that sexual intimacy before marriage is acceptable. It is not. In God’s sight, sexual sins are extremely serious.

Avoid situations that invite increased temptation, such as late-night or overnight activities away from home or activities where there is a lack of adult supervision. Do not participate in discussions or any media that arouse sexual feelings. Do not participate in any type of pornography. The Spirit can help you know when you are at risk and give you the strength to remove yourself from the situation. Have faith in and be obedient to the righteous counsel of your parents and leaders.
Wow it's like the prophets know what's up or something. Sorry my sarcasm is a little strong there. But on a serious note, follow their advice. I encourage you all to read the For the Strength of Youth on this matter.

Lastly, I want you to all know, I'm not blaming this on parents or kids. It's all Satan's fault. And if he can find one tiny crevice in the wall, he will slip in and work his way up throughout the whole structure and cause it to collapse without warning. We as members can all work together to prevent and stop the war against porn. For more info on the war against porn check out fightthenewdrug.org for ways to become a fighter.

Don't worry merry sunshines, next week will be a happier, more spiritual post. I felt the need to get this out of my system as it has been on my mind for the past couple of weeks. Stay classy fam.

Love,
Janae

Go & Do/Scripture Studying

I think one of life's hardest lessons is learning to trust the Lord. We know that He knows everything, but trusting in Him and His timing is hard. I'll admit, I'm not the world's most patient person, so trusting in the Lord's timing is especially hard for me. So waiting to receive an answer to my mission prayer was hard. One week I would feel like maybe He didn't want me to go and that's why I hadn't gotten an answer while the next week I would feel that it was a No Duh type of answer. I wanted to pull out my hair and scream WHY CAN'T YOU ANSWER ME??

Yelling and pulling out my hair wasn't considered a healthy reaction to the situation so I turned to the scriptures and of course, the General Authorities. Several scriptures helped me through this time and I knew they were the answer that I least wanted to hear: Be patient and wait; I'll tell you soon enough. 

1st Nephi 4:6- And I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do. 

1st Nephi 9:6- But the Lord knoweth all things from the beginning; wherefore, he prepareth a way to accomplish all his works among the children of men; for behold, he hath all power unto the fulfilling of all his words. And thus it is. Amen.

These two have made it into my top ten of favorite scriptures (maybe a future post?). Heavenly Father knows everything. We had to be willing and patient to wait and look for His hand in our lives. I had to be patient in waiting for my answer to whether or not I should go on a mission. In fact, the answer came when I least expected it. But it took three months of praying, fasting, studying scriptures, and pondering to get my answer. I knew I had to be steadfast in doing those things so I would be in the right environment to receive my answer. In all honesty, I learned more about patience than I did receiving answers to prayers. 

Some people have asked me how I do it. How am I so spiritual and how do I have all these cool experiences? The answer is easy. I know you all know it. I read and pray everyday. Scripture study and daily prayers are the keys to getting yourself into a spiritual mindset. I often study in my room, with MoTab playing (I'm a musical person, so I learn best when there's music involved). I create an environment where the Spirit can come and reside and teach me. I approach studying with an open heart and mind with a willingness to learn. 

Then I study. Pretty simple. I start reading and I have my scripture markers handy because I like to mark everything I like, even if it means my scriptures end up looking like a coloring book. If I really love a scripture, I'll go find a nice picture of flowers or something nature and put it as the background to it. I like to have them on hand. I'm not saying this is the sure fire way of getting a good study session and feeling the Spirit- this is just what works for me. 

Maybe take the cookie cutter mold for studying and apply it to how you learn best. Maybe you're a visual learner- go get some pictures of the stories you read. Maybe you're auditory; listening to the scriptures is great (as long as you don't fall asleep). So many times we are told to just read our scriptures, but we are never told that we can adjust our study methods to best feel the Spirit and learn the most. The whole point of studying your scriptures is to learn from them. So do what you need to do so you can learn best. 

Sorry that this post was all over the place. That's what happens when I get the urge to write and it just comes out spilling all over the place with no real organization. I hope you all have a fantastic week. Remember your Heavenly Father loves you very much! 

Love,

Janae 

Is a Mission Right for Me?

Missions. It seems that since the age change, everyone and their sister have been getting their calls (haha appreciate my lame joke please). You may be in the whirlwind that has seem to capture many youth as to whether they should serve or not. Mind you, this applies to girls and boys. I, myself have been in that same whirlwind. I'm here to offer some help. Of course you will need to consult with Heavenly Father and listen to the prompting of the Spirit, but maybe you were in a place with no answers like I was. Well buckle up children, and let me shed some light.

One of the first things to do before even praying and fasting to decide whether or not to serve, is to realize that you don't have to be perfect to go on a mission. What? Crazy I know. The Lord doesn't want perfect people. He wants imperfect people that He can help mold and shape, through trials, into someone greater. Ask any RM. They will tell you that they have grown so much because of their mission.

Now that we got that misconception out of the way, lets get down to business to defeat Satan! Yes that little bugger will probably try every excuse in the book to get you to not even consider a mission. Worthiness, spirituality, maybe even financial, he will use all of theses as excuses for you to not go. Trust in the Lord and come to accept that if He wants you to serve, He will make it happen.

Many of you may be thinking, "Well this still doesn't help me." Let us clarify some more. D&C 4:3- "If ye have the desire, ye are called to the work." The Lord says that if you want to serve, He will take you and let you serve. However, He may have greater things planned for you. This is where it gets tough. My bestie/sister Dev told me to just make up my mind and say I'll go. That way I only have to get approval from the Lord instead of directions. He did put us on earth to make decisions of our own (agency).

That's what I personally did. I said, "Okay Heavenly Father. I'm gonna go on a mission." Now granted I have a year before I can even report. But I did it nevertheless. My answer took about 3 months to get. I prayed for an answer nightly and fasted for it. Nothing. Then one night I was walking to my room to go to bed and it hit me. "You're going to go on a mission." I was excited. I had finally got my answer!

You may have to wait months to get an answer. You may get one right away. The Lord knows what He's doing. While waiting for an answer, do your part. Read your scriptures everyday and say your prayers. It may seem small and simple but that's how you show the Lord your willingness. Another thing I did, was I read mission books. 10 Questions to Answer While Preparing for a Mission and 30 Ways to Love Your Mission are my favorites. These are more for anyone and everyone preparing or debating. Girls, Do Not Attempt in Heels and Sisters: A Modern Girl's Guide to Serving a Mission are my top two favorite ones. Even if you don't end up going, you have still learned.

If you are one of the ones debating between marriage and a mission, Dev has more words of wisdom for you. "Preparing for a mission also prepares you for marriage." I couldn't agree more. Now I am neither married, nor an RM, but I do not doubt the truth in her words. No matter how young you are, you are never too young to start preparing for a mission. Even if you do not end up going, you will be spiritually stronger (and that's not a bad thing).

I testify that if you earnestly want to serve and prepare to serve, the Lord will put your efforts to good use. He loves you and wants each of His children to hear the gospel. "Look unto me in every thought. Doubt not, fear not." He will guide you through the promptings of the Holy Ghost. And lastly, a quote to sum it all up.

He will always help you. In all of your decisions, and in everything, He wants the best for you. Until next week my dears.

Love,
Janae

Overcoming Anger, Fear, and Hurt

I've wanted to touch on this topic for quite some time, but I realized that first I had to overcome it myself. Which I recently have. It was a painful two weeks that included a lot of tears but it was so worth it. This post is for those of you, who have felt wronged in any way. I don't know your specific circumstance, but I hope this can help you come to peace with the inner demons that you're fighting.

Overcoming anger, fear, and hurt has three corresponding solutions. The Atonement, forgiveness, and letting go are the solutions that I've found to work with overcoming the underlying issues that come from whatever trial. If you truly want to overcome something, you can. I believe that without a doubt. 

Christ took upon all the infirmities of the world. He knows how to ease our burdens and sorrow. Alma 7:11-13 states:

 11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictionsand temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

 12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loosethe bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.

 13 Now the Spirit knoweth all things; nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the flesh that he might take upon him the sins of his people, that he might blot out their transgressions according to the power of his deliverance; and now behold, this is the testimony which is in me.

Because of the Atonement, Christ has walked our life. He knows how to succor, or help, us (in really simplified terms). The Atonement is not just for when we sin; it's for when we are sad, hurt, angry, and afraid.

Forgiving those who have intentionally or unintentionally hurt us is a difficult and often scary process. It means putting ourselves in a position the natural man doesn't like. It means becoming humble and submissive and saying that you won't hold a grudge against someone. I went through this process myself recently. I had realized that I needed to forgive my biological parents in order to feel at peace. They have never done anything wrong to me, but I felt like I was wronged by them. I had to come to terms that they hadn't done anything to me and that I needed to forgive them and let go of my anger and bitterness.

Letting go can be just as hard as forgiving. It's a process that will take some time to get through completely, whether it be days, months, or years. I'm still in the middle of it. There will be times where you will get angry or upset and want to still blame whatever happened that hurt you. That does you no good! It only sets you back father in the whole process. Take a deep breath and remember that it'll all be okay.

And finally I leave with you two great general conference talks. The first one is about fear and the second one is about forgiveness. I hope that this has been helpful to you in some way. Remember your Heavenly Father loves you greatly.

Elder Bednar, Therefore They Hushed Their Fears
Elder Sorensen, Forgiveness Will Change Bitterness to Love

Love,
 Janae

General Conference & You

General Conference was this past weekend and I hoped you all had the opportunity to watch it. I know I personally try to get the most out of conference and there are some ways I want to share with you! (Yes I know it passed but you can apply these when you go to reread or rewatch talks) :)

I personally like to start by having scripture study and then writing down whatever questions come to your mind. Spiritual or not! I've had both types of questions answered during General Conference.

Another thing I like to do, is watch conference by myself. Sounds ridiculous since it's just my parents and I at home, but they talk constantly and I find that I can feel the Spirit more when it's just myself in the room.

In between sessions, I try to get up and MOVE. I walk around the house, do jumping jacks, or whatever to get my blood flowing. I find it's a lot harder for me to fall asleep during the next session if I've got my blood pumping.

Lastly, my favorite thing to do is listen to hymns before. I feel the Spirit through music especially and I want to be in tune for conference.

These are some of the ways that I get the most out of conference! I hope they're helpful for you as you go back to ponder and explore the prophet's words. Also I hope you have had a happy Easter! Have a great week lovelies.

Love,
Janae

Praying is Magical

Sorry for having skipped last week and then being a day late this week. My missionary had his farewell last week so I was consumed with that.

Life has gotten tough. I will not lie to you. It's hard having someone you love leave. Granted he is out doing the Lord's work and I know he'll be safe, but it's still hard. So I decided that I would not be one of those missionary girlfriend's that mopes around.

I turned all of my efforts into bettering myself spiritually, as well as praying for my missionary and others. I've noticed that my heart has become softened to those all around me. I have also noticed that at night when I say my prayers, they have become more focused on others and less asking and more thanking.

I love this quote. It is so true. No matter what you're going through you can pray to your Heavenly Father and He will listen to you. He is like any other parent in the way that He is eager to hear from you and is excited about what's going on in your life. As you turn to Him for help, He will hear you and help you, whether it be through the Spirit or through His other children.

That is also why we need to have a strong relationship with our Heavenly Father. We are instruments in His hands! If we ask sincerely to help His children, He will present opportunities to help them. We must have willing hearts and open minds. Most people think of helping His children of missionary work, which isn't wrong! But we as normal members can help all, member and nonmember, man and woman.

I know that as you turn towards your Heavenly Father with open arms, He will be there to receive you into His own. I also know that you can make a big impact on this world. There are many souls who need your loving influence. Reach out to your Father to help you to reach out to them.

Love,
 Janae