I need to be honest with you guys. This post will be messy, emotional, and downright truthful. I have been having one of those days where I just despise everything about myself. It was also one of those days where I hid in my room and cried for the majority of it. I want to change but I didn't know how. All of my friends support me, but then when I try to change they tease me for it. I know that they don't mean to hurt me, but I'm sensitive deep down. I hide it really well; almost too well, considering people think I'm mean.
So as I sat listening to hymns and bawling in my state of "why me," I realized I hadn't caught up on the blogs I read weekly. So I read my good friend, Ashley's, blog. Honestly, I bawled as I went through and read all of last year's and the year's before blogs. Every single one I needed. Her words gave me the strength to realize that I can change and to be okay with not knowing what the Lord wants me to do yet.
I'll be the first to admit that I have low self confidence. Many may not realize it, but I do. I am also really self conscious. I remember once upon a time, I was happy with who I was. Until a couple of my friends and Young Women leaders said some words that weren't kind, and suddenly I began to change, for worse. I didn't want to come off as a Molly Mormon or a know it all, so in church and seminary I would never answer. I wouldn't volunteer to do anything. I found if I hide, no one would make comments about me. I was afraid of failure, which may seem normal (and to some extent it is) but I wouldn't even think about trying new things, especially in front of people. I fell spiritually.
Church wasn't very helpful during this time, as I had Young Women leaders who weren't the greatest. Now I did have great leaders before and after them, but my Mia Maid years are years I like to forget. I would go home after mutual and sob my eyes out. I felt excluded. I felt hated. They weren't pretty years. I felt like church and mutual was prison more than paradise.
Thankfully, I had great Young Women leaders that got called after these years that helped picked up and fix some of what was destroyed by others and myself. I also got a job at a church bookstore which made me realize that it's okay to be knowledgable in the gospel. Now I enjoy reading gospel related books and learning. I still feel somewhat shunned for wanting to be a better member, but I am working on it.
That's my goal: become happy with myself. I want to get my individual worth back. And I hope that this post will inspire you to make a change in your life. We all have at least one thing that we aren't happy with that we can easily change, but don't. It could be because of fear, like mine. Or maybe lack of motivation. I know I also overthink way too much (just ask anyone). But do what will help you progress to be the better person that you want to be.
Now that I've bitten all my fingernails off out of stress and nerves while writing this, I hope you all strive to be a better person. Forget all of those who don't approve or like it. If your Heavenly Father approves, then do it. Don't let your peers or Satan stop you.
Love,
Janae
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