To the Early Returned Missionary

I don't think that ever in a million years I would have thought that I would be here. If you had asked me at the beginning of this year where I would be now, I would have answered (quite enthusiastically), somewhere in Brazil. I never thought I would come home early, unless there was a freak accident and I got hurt physically. But here I am, not hurt physically, but gloriously burdened with other trials. Trials no one can see.

After talking to a counselor once I arrived home, I was told I had, in addition to anxiety, obsessive compulsive symptoms. Meaning, in times of extreme stress, I get OCD. I won't go into all the details but just know it is more than crooked objects or a different colored apple in a bunch. I knew about the anxiety- heck the anxiety attacks was went sent me home. But I have something that has been in an obscure sense, been controlling my life. I felt like the reality of when I realized I was coming home had hit me again. I had been given 24 hours notice that I was leaving and it hadn't hit me until I was sitting in the São Paulo airport that I was leaving. It felt like an onibus had backed up and ran me over.

While attempting to study and find peace in overcoming the current and most obvious trial, I found scriptures I had read and marked when I was coming home. In Matthew 20, Christ tells of the parable of the laborers in the vineyard (Matthew 20:1-16). To sum it up, the householder sends out laborers in the vineyard, each delayed a little in timing. At the end of the day, each laborer is paid the same amount. The ones who had been working longer complained. Who were these people who only worked an hour that they get the same amount of money as I do and I've been working 12 hours? Let me attempt to relate this to missionaries.

Two missionaries are called on a mission (the same mission). They leave the same day and go to the MTC and study hard. They teach lessons and suddenly are on a plane going to the field. Both work equally hard, to the best of their abilities. However, one comes home after 6 months of being out. The other missionary stays out the whole time. When the second missionary comes home, he/she is welcomed with love and bouquets of flowers (and maybe even a significant other at the airport). The second missionary finds out that the first missionary was received the same way, even though they came home early. The second missionary is ticked. The first missionary didn't even serve the whole time or work as hard. In some situations, the second missionary stews for quite some time about this. The first missionary seems to be happy, in fact they got accepted to a good college and got engaged. How dare they be happy when they didn't serve the Lord the entire time! The first missionary is so upset, that it is hard for them to move on.

I know the example was quite extreme, but how often do we find ourselves judging when someone comes home early? I'll admit I have. I tried hard to be sympathetic and kind but there were always a few thoughts I never told anyone. But now as the early returned missionary, I am grateful for those who are kind and nonjudgemental. Those who realized I gave it my all and the Lord gave me other plans. I thought I was normal (normal being a relative term here). I never would have thought that I would have mental health problems. Sometimes I feel guilty smiley and being happy, when I know I should have been out in the field clapping at doors and teaching in Portuguese. This parable ends with some advice for both the early returned and the others who watch.

Verses 13-16 (italicized added): 
"13: But he answered one of them, and said, Friend, I do thee no wrong: didst not thou agree with me for a penny?
 14: Take that thine is, and go thy way: I will give unto this last, even as unto thee.

 15: Is it not lawful for me to do what I will with mine own? Is thine eye evil, because I am good?

 16: So the last shall be first, and the first last: for many be called, but few chosen."

Think how awesome it is. We all received calls. We all agreed to dedicated our lives to the Lord. We accepted our missions in the language assigned and went to the MTC. We might have even made it to the field. We contributed! I love the quote from Elder Holland, "There is one convert promised on your mission: you!" I know I have been changed spiritually from my mission. I am not the same 19 year old who entered the MTC doors. I have so much faith and in trust in the Lord and in His plan for me that I accepted the decision to come home. 

Regardless of whether you came home for mental health, physical health, or because of a prompting, I guarantee that you made a difference, at least in your own life. Enjoy the time you had on your mission. Don't be afraid to say you are a returned missionary. You were released honorably and that is what matters. Don't hesitate to talk about your mission or share "when I was on my mission" stories. In the Lord's eyes, you are wonderful. You contributed and you served Him. But now He needs you somewhere else perhaps doing something else. Time frames for missions are a general guideline for this earthly existence (think of how many missionaries would never come home if they had the choice?). The Lord works on a different time frame and He works differently in everyone's lives. If you ever feel negative about your mission, realize that is Satan. From your service, you have changed the world. Your world. 

Don't hesitant to continue your spiritual growth. Don't let this experience hinder your faith. Study the scriptures daily and prayer earnestly. I'm so grateful for my Savior and His Atonement. The Atonement is not just for sins, it's for our negative feelings and weaknesses. Let the Savior carry you through your trials. We know we can't make it through this world alone, so why not have The One who overcame the world help? He is only a prayer away. I know my Savior lives and He loves us. I know Heavenly Father is proud of whatever service we can give and that He will continue to love us no matter what we do in our life. "As long as we are on the right path, it will always lead uphill." -President Erying. 

Love,

Janae