To the Early Returned Missionary

I don't think that ever in a million years I would have thought that I would be here. If you had asked me at the beginning of this year where I would be now, I would have answered (quite enthusiastically), somewhere in Brazil. I never thought I would come home early, unless there was a freak accident and I got hurt physically. But here I am, not hurt physically, but gloriously burdened with other trials. Trials no one can see.

After talking to a counselor once I arrived home, I was told I had, in addition to anxiety, obsessive compulsive symptoms. Meaning, in times of extreme stress, I get OCD. I won't go into all the details but just know it is more than crooked objects or a different colored apple in a bunch. I knew about the anxiety- heck the anxiety attacks was went sent me home. But I have something that has been in an obscure sense, been controlling my life. I felt like the reality of when I realized I was coming home had hit me again. I had been given 24 hours notice that I was leaving and it hadn't hit me until I was sitting in the São Paulo airport that I was leaving. It felt like an onibus had backed up and ran me over.

While attempting to study and find peace in overcoming the current and most obvious trial, I found scriptures I had read and marked when I was coming home. In Matthew 20, Christ tells of the parable of the laborers in the vineyard (Matthew 20:1-16). To sum it up, the householder sends out laborers in the vineyard, each delayed a little in timing. At the end of the day, each laborer is paid the same amount. The ones who had been working longer complained. Who were these people who only worked an hour that they get the same amount of money as I do and I've been working 12 hours? Let me attempt to relate this to missionaries.

Two missionaries are called on a mission (the same mission). They leave the same day and go to the MTC and study hard. They teach lessons and suddenly are on a plane going to the field. Both work equally hard, to the best of their abilities. However, one comes home after 6 months of being out. The other missionary stays out the whole time. When the second missionary comes home, he/she is welcomed with love and bouquets of flowers (and maybe even a significant other at the airport). The second missionary finds out that the first missionary was received the same way, even though they came home early. The second missionary is ticked. The first missionary didn't even serve the whole time or work as hard. In some situations, the second missionary stews for quite some time about this. The first missionary seems to be happy, in fact they got accepted to a good college and got engaged. How dare they be happy when they didn't serve the Lord the entire time! The first missionary is so upset, that it is hard for them to move on.

I know the example was quite extreme, but how often do we find ourselves judging when someone comes home early? I'll admit I have. I tried hard to be sympathetic and kind but there were always a few thoughts I never told anyone. But now as the early returned missionary, I am grateful for those who are kind and nonjudgemental. Those who realized I gave it my all and the Lord gave me other plans. I thought I was normal (normal being a relative term here). I never would have thought that I would have mental health problems. Sometimes I feel guilty smiley and being happy, when I know I should have been out in the field clapping at doors and teaching in Portuguese. This parable ends with some advice for both the early returned and the others who watch.

Verses 13-16 (italicized added): 
"13: But he answered one of them, and said, Friend, I do thee no wrong: didst not thou agree with me for a penny?
 14: Take that thine is, and go thy way: I will give unto this last, even as unto thee.

 15: Is it not lawful for me to do what I will with mine own? Is thine eye evil, because I am good?

 16: So the last shall be first, and the first last: for many be called, but few chosen."

Think how awesome it is. We all received calls. We all agreed to dedicated our lives to the Lord. We accepted our missions in the language assigned and went to the MTC. We might have even made it to the field. We contributed! I love the quote from Elder Holland, "There is one convert promised on your mission: you!" I know I have been changed spiritually from my mission. I am not the same 19 year old who entered the MTC doors. I have so much faith and in trust in the Lord and in His plan for me that I accepted the decision to come home. 

Regardless of whether you came home for mental health, physical health, or because of a prompting, I guarantee that you made a difference, at least in your own life. Enjoy the time you had on your mission. Don't be afraid to say you are a returned missionary. You were released honorably and that is what matters. Don't hesitate to talk about your mission or share "when I was on my mission" stories. In the Lord's eyes, you are wonderful. You contributed and you served Him. But now He needs you somewhere else perhaps doing something else. Time frames for missions are a general guideline for this earthly existence (think of how many missionaries would never come home if they had the choice?). The Lord works on a different time frame and He works differently in everyone's lives. If you ever feel negative about your mission, realize that is Satan. From your service, you have changed the world. Your world. 

Don't hesitant to continue your spiritual growth. Don't let this experience hinder your faith. Study the scriptures daily and prayer earnestly. I'm so grateful for my Savior and His Atonement. The Atonement is not just for sins, it's for our negative feelings and weaknesses. Let the Savior carry you through your trials. We know we can't make it through this world alone, so why not have The One who overcame the world help? He is only a prayer away. I know my Savior lives and He loves us. I know Heavenly Father is proud of whatever service we can give and that He will continue to love us no matter what we do in our life. "As long as we are on the right path, it will always lead uphill." -President Erying. 

Love,

Janae

#HisDay

Sunday. The one day of the week where it seems the world is still. With the anticipation for the upcoming week and the longing for the Fridays and Saturdays past, it seems that Sunday often gets overlooked.  Sunday is the day that Christ rose from the grave and showed Himself to His disciples. It is also the day of the week where we get to take of the sacrament.

A few weeks ago, my fiancé and I were driving back from Utah on a Sunday. We went to sacrament meeting with my sister before starting our journey back to Idaho. We took a detour and stopped by the Twin Falls Idaho Temple and Shoshone Falls. Marveling at the beauty, I realized everything is more beautiful on the Sabbath. All of God's creations, temples, the blessings of the gospel are so much more beautiful and hopeful than any other time.

His Day is about seeing the good in the world. It's about loving others and loving the gospel. It's about the Atonement and the sacrifice Christ made for us. His day is about taking time out of life to worship Him and give Him thanks for everything we have. His day is about Him. Everything in life that is good, points to Him.

Life is so good. In fact, it can be wonderful. We are what we are all because of Him and we can become better versions of ourselves because of His atoning sacrifice. I know I don't like who I was in the past and I'm trying to change myself for a better tomorrow everyday. You can't change your past, but you can change your future.

In the last General Conference, Elder Gong of the Presidency of the Seventy gave a talk titled, "Always Remember Him." In this talk he shares six ways to always remember Him:

1. We can always remember Him by having confidence in His covenants, promises, and assurances.
2. We can always remember Him by gratefully acknowledging His hand throughout our lives.
3. We can always remember Him by trusting when the Lord assures us, "he who has repented of His sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more."
4. He invites us to remember that He is always welcoming us home.
5. We can always remember Him on the Sabbath through the sacrament.
6. Our Savior invites us to always remember Him as He always remembers us.

In reality, His day should be everyday. Sundays are a time to go and worship Him fully. To give Him all of our attention. As I take the sacrament and fast, I remember how He shed blood personally for me. That I am not forgotten or useless. That I am loved just as much as you are by Him. He loves you. He's cheering you on. With Him, you can handle everything life throws are you.

-Janae

Enduring & Improvement

I finally felt inspired enough to right a blog post about something beneficial to all of y’all for once. As I continue to work on my mission papers and start to study PMG (Preach My Gospel), I’ve noticed that I would feel more insignificant after studying rather than enlightened. I looked to where my doubt came from: we’re asked to improve on so many things, I felt like I couldn’t do it all! Sometimes we feel small when we’re thinking about the moment. If we step back and look at the bigger picture, you can notice that we have our whole lives and all of the next life to improve! We don’t have to be perfect by the time we’re 20, 30, or 80. To me, this is such a relief. However, just because we have all this time to improve does not mean we can slack off and leave everything to the last minute. Much like repentance, we need to be improving everyday (actually repentance helps with the whole improving part). So how is it done? Well I’m not perfect, but I can explain how I personally attack this challenging task.

First, I pick a small area that needs improvement. I like to see myself from outside my little sphere and decide what’s lacking (besides everything). You can’t be too hard on yourself. This is where Satan will sneak in and try to get you to just point out your flaws. So after you find your weaker spot you want to work on, go eat some ice cream and hug a puppy. ;)

After you got your area, go research it! I personally love True to the Faith, PMG, Bible Dictionary, Conference talks, etc. There are plenty of resources out there, so no giving up! The fast track to this step is to go to lds.org and search your topic. Poof everything you could ever want about that is suddenly there! It’s the little joys about living in this century that really can make all the difference.

Once I know what I should be doing instead of what I have been doing, I like to start changing little aspects. For example, if I’m working on Christlike kindness, I start correcting the unkind thoughts that can sneak into my head about someone. Once you start seeing everyone as God’s children, it really changes your outlook on life. When I reach a point where I feel happy with how I’ve changed, I move onto something else.

A little side note, perfection is not the end goal of this life. If it was, well we all failed already. We must endure to the end, which includes progressing. Without progressing, we would be stuck in a constant state. Like the sweet promise in 3 Nephi 15:9 says,

“Behold, I am the law, and the light. Look unto me, and endure to the end, and ye shall live; for unto him that endureth to the end will I give eternal life.”

How amazing is that? I personally know that as we endure and progress, we will be blessed for our efforts, no matter how great or small.

Love,

Janae

Mormon 9:22

I wanted to start off with a blog post with a scripture that will sum up my post (although if you follow me on anywhere, you'll already know. I'm just gonna elaborate so feel free to skim to the end).

Mormon 9:22
   For behold, thus said Jesus Christ, the Son of God, unto his disciples who should tarry, yea, and also to all his disciples, in the hearing of the multitude: Go ye into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature;

I saw this scripture on an ornament that was for missionaries. Surprise I started my papers. Lots have happened during this semester. I've figured out I do need to serve a mission, I have great friends who are practically family to me, and I have a great boyfriend who is supportive of me serving (and he just got back from his mission to Ghana).

The realization of wether or not to serve can come easily or hard. It honestly depends on the person. I got my answer and then got blinded by the world and life and then I had a realization (or a slap to the head from one of my best friends) that I needed to go. Some answers come like a freight train, barreling at you at 60 miles per hour. Others may come like a turtle walking through peanut butter. God may let you choose which way you go. Either way, read your scriptures, say your prayers, go to the temple, read your patriarchal blessing. Figure out the answer by being worthy to received revelation concerning it.

After you get your answer, then comes Satan. Or sometimes he comes before. Satan is a sneaky booger. He'll get you before, during, and after. The week before I started my papers I was a huge brat. I'm extra thankful for having forgiving friends and people who will push back against my stubbornness.  Finally after an awful week, I realized it was Satan making me feel worse and then in turn, act worse. The main point is not to give up. Don't give up or give in. Keep fighting back. If you're supposed to serve, you must make it your goal to serve.

Getting to the point of starting your papers can be half the battle. Surround yourself with a good support system so you can feel confident about whatever you are doing in life, mission or not. Do the  things you're supposed to be doing and you'll get the blessings and help from heaven.

Also side note, I met Al Carraway on Tuesday and I adore her. I can't wait to read her book (and post a review if anyone is interested). (Picture from left to right: Me and Al Carraway, me and Emma (bestie) and Me and Courtney (bestie who hits me with common sense)). I hope you all have a safe and happy holiday season.

Love,
Janae

When Times Get Tough

So long time no blog eh? Yeah college is so busy, but I love it! It's so amazing up here. I definitely feel the Spirit more. Since being up here, I have had my fair share of trials. There have been numerous times where I feel like giving up. During one of those instances, I went onto Twitter and someone had tweeted a scripture reference (I honestly don't remember who, so sorry no shoutout today).

D&C 61:36-
And now, verily I say unto you, and what I say unto one I say unto all, be of good cheer, little children; for I am in your midst, and I have not forsaken you; 


I love this scripture so much! I read it and had a realization that I wasn't alone! I wasn't going through this hard time by myself. I did have someone who knew everything and could help me. I was loved! Sometimes other people on earth just don't cut it- don't get me wrong, I love my little friend group that I've made while being here. Sometimes you need a talk with the Man upstairs and then you feel everything fall into place. 

Have a little faith, say a prayer, and go forth with a smile on your face and a grateful heart. Focus on one thing at a time. Deep breaths and remember that God has a plan for you and it will all work out. Eat a cookie and read your scriptures. Life is meant to be enjoyed, not just endured. 

Love,
Janae

Surviving College Move In Weekend

This past weekend I moved into college! Honestly, it was stressful and emotional. I am a very self conscious person so moving into a place where I knew no one and I had never lived was hard. The night before I moved in and the next two, I had my breakdowns. I'm just thankful that my roommate didn't move in until today.

In high school, everyone had somebody. Whether it was a friend or a significant other, people were always walking and talking to at least one person. Yeah I had my friends in high school, but honestly I was somewhat of a loner. So coming to college and seeing it magnified by 20 made it hard. I felt pretty lonely the first couple days, but I found out, that's okay and you're not the only one to feel alone.

One thing I love about BYUI is that you'll see people walking around all the time by themselves. That's normal! Coming from a cliquey high school, I assumed you always had to walk with someone. Yeah, it's nice and convenient if you do happen to have a friend that you can walk with, but if not, don't sweat it. No one is staring at you. No one is analyzing how you walk or where you're going. They're too busy trying to figure out their own situation to worry about yours.

Along the same lines as previously mentioned, talk to people. I was walking back to my apartment after the broadcast tonight, alone. There was a huge group walking because we were all going to the same area. so I kinda blended myself in. A girl next to me smiled and introduced herself and we got talking. She was so sweet. We then parted ways, because she lives somewhere else, but it proved to me that people aren't going to bite your head off if you try to talk to them.

I got really blessed with amazing roommates. They're all so nice and calm. I don't feel like we'll have a lot of drama. Even if you are worried about roommates, relax, take deep breaths, and realize they are normal people too. My roommate is so chill. She doesn't really care if the door is open or shut or the blinds open or closed. If you do get stuck with a roommate that may be not your ideal, pray that you'll be able to get along with her. Ask to see her through Christ's eyes, rather than your own. Be friendly, be kind, be considerate. Work out disagreements that arise calmly and peacefully. If your roommate wants to be childish and yell and scream, be the bigger person.

Last little subtopic I wanna mention, is overcoming homesickness and loneliness. I struggled for two days with this. It actually wasn't until today that I finally felt genuinely happy about being here. I was such a momma's girl and so leaving her was hard. Although I was more worried about her being okay than me. This is where I bring in the Atonement. Christ felt everything you have and will ever feel. He felt my loneliness and that bitter feeling of almost bursting into tears. I prayed long and hard that He will help me and take them from me. Once I did that, I looked for the positive. My roommates don't hate me, I managed to watch a movie with some friends across the hall, church was amazing, and so on and so forth. Whenever you have a hard time, just remember to go to your Savior. 

So here's a summary for you:
1. It's normal to walk around by yourself. You don't have to have a friend with you 24/7.
2. Smile and talk to people. Be friendly. Many others are in the same situations as you are and are going through the same feelings.
3. Learn to have Christ be your best friend. He knows everything. He has felt everything. Lean on Him. Give Him your problems and then focus on the good.

Move in weekend is stressful and crazy. Take it one day at a time and everything will be alright. Also wish me luck because I start classes this week.

Love,
Janae

This is the Christ

(Song suggestions to listen to while reading: I Believe in Christ, This is the Christ, & Praise to the Man by Mormon Tabernacle Choir)

I wasn't planning on blogging about this, but I felt inspired to. I was reading in 3 Nephi 11 when Christ descends unto the people in the Americas. This chapter makes me bawl every time. There's a special spirit that comes down whenever I read, "Behold my Beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased, in whom I have glorified my name-hear ye him."

In all honesty, I envy the Nephites and the Jews that got to see Christ and His miracles. But I do envy the Nephites more, simply because of their faith. Christ's birth, death, and resurrection had been prophesied by prophets for hundreds of years prior. So to have faith that an event will happen long after you're dead, is unshakable to me.

Then there's the faith of the Nephites that live during Christ's life time. I don't know what the average age of a Nephite was, but I'm going to assume it was at least 70-90 years as average humans now. So those who saw the signs of His birth, saw the signs of His death as well. Now in the scriptures there were lots of nonbelievers who thought it was all merely coincidence, and there were lots of believers who began to believe those who didn't.

To those who continued to believe and as a result, were saved and got to see Christ's coming, their faith is faith I aspire to have. If you think about it, we're put into that same situation in a way. We know Christ came and died and was resurrected; there's history books that state of His birth and death (not the signs but that a figure named Jesus Christ did in fact live on earth). Now, we have modern day prophets that say that He will come again and the righteous will be saved. We have to believe that  that will happen. Whether it's in our life or not.

So to tie the scriptures back to modern day, we need to have Nephite faith. Nephite faith can be tied to pioneer faith. They had been taught what we are taught, but did they know if they would live to see Christ's second coming? Most figured they probably would not, yet they still endured their trials because they knew of the blessings. The blessings of living the gospel will come in this life and in the next, if we have Nephite and pioneer faith. 

Life is tough. Life is getting harder for Christians. "Doubt your doubts, before doubting your faith." Dare to stand alone. Dare to be a Mormon. This is the Christ and He is coming.


As a little heads up, I'm moving to college this week, so I'll try my best in getting blog posts scheduled ahead of time to post for you guys. Thanks for being such a great support. 😊
Love,
Janae